So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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