I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
