i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
