Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
