You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
