The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
farters have to be the big spoon...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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