I wish my penis had an off switch
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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