This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
