What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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