Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
