the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
