I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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