Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
