It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
