Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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