During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
