I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
