Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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