Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
