tonight lets celebrate not being married
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
