i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
