I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
