I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
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let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
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So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??