why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
