Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Vodka?
Forever.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
