I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
