How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
