Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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