is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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