Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
