Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dignity is for republicans.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
