i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
