your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
