you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Someone signed my nipple.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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