Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
