READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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