I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
