So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
