I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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