if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Randomize
