just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
