can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize