i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
