i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
