non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
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