cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
