If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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