what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
