I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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