On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
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I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
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I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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