Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
