She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
