you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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