i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
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I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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