Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
