My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
