If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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