I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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