Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
