Don't you send me to vm
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
