He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
