Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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