A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
